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FIRST PERSON
Volume 2 Number 8
Out of the Spider's Web
01 August 1989
Am I a product of genetics? Circumstances? Upbringing? Or of my own decisions? Probably all four play a part, but I can control my decisions.
The writer has asked that she remain anonymous:
Homosexuality is much discussed these days. I find it hard just to sit back and say nothing when I hear it being accepted as normal for some people. I don't believe it is, because I know I have found freedom from it.
Am I a product of genetics? Circumstances? Upbringing? Or of my own decisions? Probably all four play a part, but I can control my decisions.
I was sexually assaulted and subjected to indecent exposure at a young age. This did nothing to give me respect for the opposite sex. As well as this, my father was authoritarian, and what I felt was a lack of parental affection fed the fears and the mistrust I had of men in any relationship.
That stayed with me for years and can still colour my reactions and thinking.
As I became sexually aware, I feared I might be gay. I vividly remember a moment, some years later, when a relationship started with someone of the same sex. I accepted this as confirmation that I was gay. I knew at the time I was making a decision to let evil come into my life. I justified it as being a difficult time in life. I needed someone to love me, to tell me that I was an okay person - someone who wanted what I had to offer.
A lesbian relationship continued for many months until I realized that I was caught up in a spider's web which I couldn't get out of. It was affecting my work and how I treated other people. Everything revolved around this relationship. I had given so much of myself to this person that the thought of ending it filled me with fear. I said, `I can't do it.' My conscience was telling me it was wrong but by this time I was in too deep. A battle raged inside me between what I knew in my heart to be right and what my body was telling me. It was painful, so painful that I was willing to take my life.
With the help of Christian friends I was able to see that for my sake and that of my partner and our future lives we had to break the relationship and go our separate ways. I don't pretend it was easy. If you think of giving up the thing you cherish most, you know what it is like to stop a homosexual love affair. When something is taken away, it has to be replaced by something, and for me that was the forgiveness and love of Christ. I had had a religious experience previously but it hadn't meant much to me because I had not let God heal the long-term hurts which were so deeply buried. Freedom came with real honesty about myself and a look at what had formed my personality. Part of that freedom is that I can accept full responsibility for what happened, and turn to God when temptation arises.
Even now, if I am getting along well with a woman, I can think, `Oh no, is this a sexual feeling?' At that point, instead of feeling guilty, fearing it or suppressing it, I silently and thankfully ask God to help me use my feelings to care for those around me.
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